leaving this place
...written on 2004-12-07, @ 7:00 p.m.
So...I'm not going back to school in the Spring (why on earth they call it Spring semester when it starts in the middle of winter is beyond me). The lovely bill for school came in the mail last week and I discover that even with the loans and the grants and the scholarships, I still owe approx. $8500 for next semester. My mom who is so amazing and wonderful and generous offered to pay $1000 (and she is also paying $160 a month toward the loans). That means I would need to come up with $7500 (ok ok not come up with, but let go out of my savings account which I have been building up since I was 14). I don't want to do that. It's not worth it to me.
I knew this would be my last year here, I just didn't realize it would be coming to end so quickly. And to think when this year started off I was feeling so good about it, thinking that this would be my year to do well. I was wrong.
I'm burned out. Sounds crazy that at 20 almost 21 to be burned out, but I am. My motivation to go to class, to participate in college life, to try my hardest, has completely disappeared. I know that I am doing the best thing for myself. I'll work until next fall to save up lots of money, and then I will most likely attend the state school 15 minutes from my house. Yes, I will live at home unless I find a cute little apartment. My first plan is to get my license. After that, I can buy a car. And from there I have the whole world open to me.
I'll be able to do everything that I miss doing. I can work full time at my store, I could possibly become the manager. I can start playing the flute again and go to lessons with my old flute teacher (I have missed my music for a very long time). I can take week long trips to visit my friends. Can you tell that I am excited?
My mom is afraid I won't return to school. I know I will. I just need some time away, some time to think, some time to reflect, some time to fix the things in my life that need fixing.
The next step: how to tell the roommates, the friends, and the house.